Harusnya?

Jauh.
Jauh sebelum isu global warming ada.
Indonesia kan udah panas tuh
Kan udah dari dulu di khatulistiwa tuh
Jelas banyak sinar mataharinya per tiap taunnya tuh

Kenapa ga dari dulu ngembangin tenaga surya aja?
Panel surya gitu dibanyakin?
Kenapa sampe sekarang masih jarang yang pake?

Coba kalo udah dari dulu.
Mungkin indonesia udah kaya banget..sekaya sinar matahari yang didapetinnya.
Subway, monorail dkk udah ada..pake tenaga listrik dari kumpulan panel suryanya..kayak di film transcendence gitu. Kendaraan mungkin juga udah pada hybrid semua ga ngeluarin polusi.

Ga perlu deh apa apanya tergantung sama bbm. Harga pada naek. Pada protes. Giliran harga rokok apa yang ga berguna lainnya naik pada ga protes tetep aja beli.
Pekok.

Ga perlu juga tergantung sama perusahaan asing macam freeport ato apalah yang ngeksploitasi negeri sendiri. Ga malu apa? Lebih parah dari jaman penjajahan..malah jadi jaman pembodohan.
Kita sama-sama pekok emang tapi jangan mau terus dipekokin, pekok!

Ini mengingat kembali hasil obrolan sama duta pas lagi main di solo..jadi heavy thoughts gini di benak, enaknya ditulis biar ga cuma menuh-menuhin pikiran yang kebanyakan mikirin tugasgasgas gagaso~

*berasa penting padahal asal ngomong ini apaan sih bodo amat blog blog gue terserah opini gue kalo salah ya maap kalo ada benernya ya syukur*

The last grey shade, I hope.

Am I such a hypocrite?
Well I guess you could just say so.
You can tell that you're right from the very beginning.

But trust me you would shed tears if you knew about my past.
But you don't really have to know about any of it anyway.

"Anyone is afraid of something that they don't understand"

So I would give you some clues.
If that will be necessary.
You will keep reading this.

I really had the urge for everything.
Every single thing.
But I know it would be wrong.
So wrong you won't realize until you believe it's the truth but it will be too late for you to get out of it.
Then I'll be here earlier to save you from that suffering.
Even though that you suffered already.
I want to save you from the deepest regret that will fulfill one part of yours that wouldn't be safe later.
I know this is not the right way, but I also didn't want to disappoint you from the beginning.
I also wanted to give it a chance.
Then we did.

So now please take a comfort distance if you don't want to be hurt.

I also never ever want to hurt you, or anybody.

For you, yeah you.

Let's be better from now on.

At least we're gonna try.
Aren't we?

"rope"

i see ropes.
i see other people's ropes.
i see a rope that probably belongs to me.
maybe.
but every single time i try to reach it
i don't know whether what to do with it
standing on it
hanging on it
too scared that i would break it
throw it away
pulled it back
too confused to choose what to do

 i'm such a hypocrite yes i know so stay away from me if you do not want to see the real me, if you aren't ready to face me dammit.
do not just say oh ok let's see what you got then judge about my weirdness behind my back.

it sucks to feel that way, you know.

feeling bad.

Inside out.

Lara

Head's burning
Weight's burdening
Nose's sliming
Mouth's sneezing

I just hate flu so much it hurts

Release

Dark.
Darker.
Darkest.

Something's pulled me into the grey area.
No, I don't mean that.
No, the truth is..as a matter of fact, i've been there all the time.
But the intensity grows, tho.

After all this time, I realize well enough.
That I always took two steps forward, and four, even five steps back.

I let go the good chances.
I pulled myself away from the happiness that actually can happen to me and everyone else around.
And the regret follows, always the same time, in the end.

This is such a waste.

And the thing that really freaking sucks to be wasted is you know as well,

time.

Growing up, growing old

Aging.

Everyday.

This body, this mind, and this soul.

Or do they?

Year by year, realizing how fool I was being.

Year by year, it felt just like that

"Hey, look! Another number! Yeay i'm getting closer to my death!"

Celebrated with a sack of breath filled with CO2, or here with water and eggs and so on.

Yep. Growing old, they said.

Back to the same date from when I was born.

Which will mark the plus one.

And tomorrow will be the nineteenth.

Age is just a number.

The behaviours will be judged based on it.

No matter how bad or how good you're trying to be.

And me privately, I just want it to end soon if it could.

I have a pity on everyone who was, is, will be dealing with me.

Especially the one that's being confused because of moi.

Everytime I think of it, all I say is the f word.

I'm getting upset because myself, but however I cannot repair it.

I keep falling in the same hole.

I learn, but I don't remember.

I hear, but I don't listen sometimes.

I grow old, but i don't grow up just yet.

Well i'm sorry.

I'm sorry that it takes too long.

But i'm just not ready, not now.

I'm not 'there' yet.

I'm still looking for the right path.

Hope God will be guiding always.

And I'm on my way to believe it....

*sorry if i'm being too self-centered,  yeah I quote the last sentence from the last sentence of The Only Exception lyrics by Paramore.

So this thing about my hair..

Sometimes I felt like

Mrs. Ani my junior high school English teacher,
Gym instructor,
90s boyband,
Western lesbians,
Agyness Deyn,
Shailene Woodley in tfios  (the fault in our stars) movie a.k.a Hazel Grace,
F***ing JB,
Cancer survivor.

And anyone else with pixie haircut,
All hail shorty hair!
No more hair tie!
No more shampooing till your hands pegel!
Hah now I know how it feels like boys with their cepakness~
How I don't need comb, let it become mess, and feel the wind tickles my head sometimes hahaha

*jambaaaaak*
*acak acak acak*

Good night, sleep tight!

What the hell is wrong with me I don't understand either please make it stop

Half a year passed.
Have never been so suicidal than this
I often find myself crying
Sometimes without knowing the reason why

"Life is hard. Death is peaceful."

Maybe that's why they say the life here is short
I hope it would be a short pain
Cause i don't know if I can go on
I'm freaking lost.

There's really no one to be told.
Cause I know they're just gonna give me the weird look.
For a weirdo like me
And nothing else
Except words.

Détester moi

She doesn't blame it on you.
She blames herself for all the faults because they are hers. Truly hers.
She doesn't believe in her heart that unreasonable love exists.
She keeps hatred inside.
She's been accompanied with demon all the time.

That's why she's being the way she is now.
And she hopes something or someone will fix her someday.

May God read this and help her get through it.

Karma

Biasa dicuekkin
Biasa diabaikan
Biasa dikecewain

Dan biasa dalam bentuk aktifnya.

Kok gitu sih

Kok aku gini sih
Kok kalian mau kenal sama aku yang kayak gini sih
Kok kalian mau baca blog macem gini sih

Simply bored.

I'm okay.
I'm still attending my class.
I'm still living on my life.
I'm still doing my daily activities.
I'm still waking up everyday, taking a bath, doing it all over again and then go back to sleep.
I don't know why, and I don't know what but something's missing.

Maybe I'm just not being grateful with my life.
Or maybe I'm just bored lately.
Or maybe I just need to go home.

Again and again and again

Should be spreadin more amore
Shouldn't be a problem if you're wounded even more
Cause it's not like a new thing anymore
Cause in the end you'll be accompanied by only paramore.

Sleeping with wet pillow

Here we are again
Just me and me
Talking with thoughts of mine
Sleeping with a wet pillow
Because of tears and sweat
And all of this shit.

Until the right time

No one will ever understand how thoughts in my brain work..except He.

Who?

They said I got a bad hearing
They said I am a good listener

But who's gonna listen to me?